Homer
Homer: It's like something out of that twighlighty show about that zone.
Homer: Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else-and it hasn't-it's that girls should stick to girl's sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such.
Homer: Well, you can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They taste as good as they look. and they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like catsup - it tastes like catsup. But brother, it ain't catsup!
Homer: Where is Bart, anyway. His dinner's getting all cold and eaten.
Homer: The internet's on computers now ehhh?.
Homer (yelling at Bart for stealing): Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies?For fun!? Well I didn't he anybody laughing! Did you!?
Homer: Why don't those stupid idiots let me in their crappy club for jerks?
Homer: Kids, the State says we're good parents now. Get your asses out here!
Homer: Well, if it isn't the leader of the wiener patrol, boning up on his nerd lessons.
Homer: You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of you life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
Homer: Hey, there's a NEW Mexico!
Homer: Pffft, English. Who needs that. I'm never going to England.
Homer: Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda
Homer: Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddies, and kids with fake IDs.
Homer: If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers
Homer: I saw this movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over , and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'
Homer: Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'
Homer: People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night
Homer: Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What's-his-name?
Homer: Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.'
Homer: A gun isn't a weapon; it's a tool. Like a harpoon, or a hammer or a ... an alligator. You just need more education on it
Homer: Look, just give me some inner peace, or I'll mop the floor with you!
Homer: Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.
Homer: When will people learn, Democracy doesn't work!
Homer: Before I came here I didn't even know what a Nuclear Panner Plant was.
Homer: I heard it at the annual mustache parade.
Homer: I've figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of traveling acrobats.
Homer: It takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen.
Homer: Hey, if your gonna get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll have to stop doing stupid things!
Homer: Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?
Homer: With ten-thousand dollars, we'd be millionaires!
Homer: I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff. and I want in.
Homer: There there boy, shut up.
Homer (leaning back in his chair): Mmmmmmm, slanty.
Homer: Oh my God! Space aliens! Don't eat me, I have a wife and kids! Eat them!
Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee. Mmmmmm sacralicious
Homer: I've figured out the boy's punishment. First he's grounded. No leaving the house, not even for school. Second: no eggnog. In fact, no nog, period. And third, absolutely no stealing for three months.
Homer: Do you want to change your name to Homer Jr.? The kids could call you Ho-Ju.
Homer: I've learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.
Homer: So, I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end.
Homer: I am so smart. S-M-R-T! Homer: Take me out to the ballgame. Take me out to the ball....
Homer: Or what?! You'll release the dogs or the bees. Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you?!
Homer: Homer no function beer well without.
Homer: This one has purple. Purple is a fruit.
Homer: No T.V. and no beer make Homer something, something...
Homer: My bologna has a first name. It's H-O-M-E-R.
Homer (responding to Bart saying 'TV sucks'): I know you're a little angry right now so I'll pretend you didn't say that.
Homer: I hope I didn't brain my damage.
Homer: Come on Lisa. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat I'd say 'Yo Goober, where's the meat!'
Homer: Marge, old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so that we can determine what nutrients we can extract from them to use for our personal use.
Homer: We'll start our own game where people throw ducks at balloons and nothings the way it seems.
Homer: Mmmm, that yodel was so good, I wish i was eating it right now.
Homer (after Lisa explains that the handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star): Thats nice Lisa, but we're in the woods not astronomy class.
Homer: Carnies built this country...the carnival part of it anyway.
Homer: Weaselling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the rest of the animals...except the weasel.
Homer: Oh, I want to be in that Rhumba, when the saints go over there. Oh over there! Oh, over there!
Homer: Well, Scooby Doo can doo doo, but Jimmy Carter is smarter.
Homer: Sweet merciful crap!!
Homer: Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?
Homer: Walt Whitman?! Bwaauughh! I hate you Walt freakin' Whitman!! Leaves of Grass My Ass!!!
Homer (on strawberry flavored birth control pills): Mmmm... ovulicious.
Homer: Don't you hate pants?
Homer: I work like a Japanese beaver!
Homer: As a representative of Earth, let me be the first to say... AAAH! WABLABLUGAH!
Homer: I can't even say the word titmouse without giggling like a school girl. Hee-hee-hee, hee hee hhe he-he!
Homer: No beer and no t.v. make Homer something something
Homer: If I could just say a few words...I'd be a better public speaker!
Homer: Alcohol. The cause of, and solution to all life's problems.
Homer: Everythings perfectly safe. As long as they don't take us to that horrible planet of the apes. Wait a minute, statue of liberty, that was our planet you destroied! YOU MANIACS!!! YOU BLEW IT UP!!! DAMN YOU!!! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!
Homer: Son, a woman is like a refrigerator, they're about 6 feet tall, they make ice... Aum.. Actually a woman is more like a beer, they look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one, but you can't stop with one, you've gotta have another woman...
Homer: Boy did that team suck last night, they just plain sucked, i've seen some teams suck before, but they were the suckest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!!
Homer: It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie - Spaceballs. But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie - Police Academy.
Homer: (praying): Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever... thy will be done.
Homer: Rock stars... is there anything they don't know?
Homer: What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here, anyway.
Homer: Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Homer: Son, when you participate in sporthing events, it's not whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get.
Homer: Oh, Lisa, you and your stories. 'Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells.' Now let's go back to that... building... thingie... where our beds and TV... is.
Homer: Operator! Give me the number for 911!
Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old! Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Homer: Heh Heh Heh! Lisa! Vampires are make believe, just like elves and gremlins and eskimos!
Homer: Kill my boss?!? Do I dare live out the american dream?
Homer: Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.
Homer: Ah, Andy Capp, you wife beating drunk!
Homer: Marge! Look at all this great stuff I found at the Marina. It was just sitting in some guy's boat!
Homer: You never know when an old calendar might come in handy! Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?
Homer: A hundred bucks for a comic book? Who drew it, Michaelmelangelo?
Homer: What about those red balls they have on car aerials so you can spot your car in a park. I think all cars should have them!
Homer: Ooh, I love your magazine. Especially the 'Enrich Your Wordpower' section. I think it's really...really...really...good.
Homer: Ah!, the Grand Canyon. What a ... grand canyon!
Homer: (After Marge asks him how he was a political prisoner): I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture?
Homer: God bless those Pagans.
Homer: I like my beers cold and my homosexuals flaming.
Homer: Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves.
Homer: Wait a minute! Is this the biggest steak you've got? 72 ounces? I thought this was supposed tobe a steakhouse, not a little girly underpantsy, pink doily tea party place.
Homer: You gave both dogs away?? You know how i feel about giving!
Homer: If horseracing is the sport of kings, then surely bowling is a... very good sport as well.
Homer: If something's hard to do, then its not worth doing.
Homer: They don't call me Colonel Homer because I'm some dumb-ass army guy.
Homer: Trying is the first step towards failure.
Homer: See Marge, you knock TV and then it helps you out. I think you owe somebody a little apology.
Homer: I don't care if Ned Flanders is the nicest guy in the world. He's a jerk - end of story.
Homer: What's a great guy like you wanting to marry a guy like Selma?
Homer: When a fire starts to burn, there's a lesson you must learn, something, something, then you'll see, you'll avoid catastrophe!...Doh!
Homer: What's wrong with that kid? She's so moral. Why can't she be more like, well not like the boy, but there's got to be a happy medium.
Homer: Oh yeah. The judge made me do that once. Stupid lack of public urinals.
Homer: You must love this country more than I love a cold beer on a hot Christmas morning.
Homer: Well, it's 1 am, better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.
Homer: The alien has a sweet heavenly voice...like Urkel! And the alien appears every Friday...like Urkel!
Homer: No, Lisa. The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother. I call him 'Gamblor' and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!
Homer: Just take all of your feelings and stuff them inside into a little ball, and release it at an appropraite time. Like when I hit that referee in the head with a whiskey bottle. Remember that? When daddy hit the referee?
Homer (on the phone): You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.
Homer (after Lisa tells him her teacher called her a "P.C. thug"): I've been called a greasy thug too, honey. And it never stops hurting.
Homer: I'm not going to stalk Lenny and Karl! I'm just going out....to, stalk....Lenny and Carl..... DOH!
Homer: See that, Bart? Your old man was right! We *are* going to die!!
Homer: Dear Lord, I know you're busy, seeing as how you can watch women changing clothes and all that ..
Homer: You know what? To be loved, you have to be nice to people, everyday. But to be hated, you don't have to do squat!
Homer: Kids, let me tell you about another so-called 'wicked' man. He had long hair and a lot of wild ideas, and he didn't always do what other people wanted him to. And that man's name was .. I forget. But the point of this story is .. I forget that too. Marge, you know who I'm talking about, he used to drive that blue car
Homer: A mountain of sugar is too much for one man. It's clear now why God portions it out in those tiny packets, and why he lives on a plantation in Hawaii
Homer: A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.
Homer: Lisa, I can't imagine anyone being more likeable than you. But apparently, this new girl is. So my advice would be to start copying her in every way.

Wiggum
Chief Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a car of some sort; heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chilli. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.
Cheif Wiggum: Yeah, that's what they all say. They all say ''doh''.
Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is cancer on this fair city. He is the cancer and I am the...uh..what cures cancer?
Chief Wiggum: Okay, folks, show's over. Nothing to see here, show's... Oh my God! A horrible plane crash! Hey, everybody, get a load of this flaming wreckage! Come on, crowd around, crowd around! Don't be shy, crowd around.M
Chief Wiggum:(To Ralph before school trip) Remember Ralphie, if your nose starts bleeding, it means your picking it too much. Or not enough.
Chief Wiggum: (firing shots into the wall) Take that, you lousy dimension!
Chief Wiggum: Now remember when walking on the side of the road always walk with traffic, wait maybe it's against traffic, no it's with traffic, with traffic.
Cheif Wiggum: (After Bart says 'Take em away boys') Hey! That's my job! Take him away, toys. Do what the boy said.
Cheif Wiggum: Yeah sure Pops, no jury in the world is going to convict a baby. Uhh, except maybe Texas.
Chief Wiggum: (After shooting a walnut)Let that be a lesson to the rest of you.....nuts.
Chief Wiggum: (after seeing lisa in the fake parade) welcome home, space girl.
Chief Wiggum: Riiiiiight... well, I'll just type this up on my invisible typewriter... hmm, hmmm, hmmmm... doo doo doo... fruitcake.
Chief Wiggum: Hey Krusty, remember the time we got loaded and set those beavers loose in that pine furniture store?
Chief Wiggum: Yeah right lady. An elephant ran through your front yard. Ok sure Mister, an elephant just knocked over your mailbox. Yeah right buddy. Liquor store robbery, officer down. And I'm Edward G. Robinson

Krusty
Krusty: Hehehe, ''Personally Injury'' oh that's gold
Krusty: Fifty thousand mazoolians, holy shlamola! What are ya gonna do with all that ka-blingy?
Krusty: If this is any one but Steve Allen you're stealing my bit.
Krusty: Is this the callback on the porno shoot? Look, I was a little nervous that day, but I can assure you, I'm all man!
Krusty: Uhhhhh, I could have pulled a better cartoon out of my a-ah-ah-ah Hah! Hah! Hey, hey Kids!
Krusty: We haven't had worse ratings than these since Ray Jay Johnson was on the show. 'You can call me Ray, and you can call me Jay.' Boy, that was funny for about two seconds.
Krusty: (After betting on the Generals to beat the Globetrotters) Hey, I thought they were due.
Krusty: KrustyBurger....the official meat-flavored sandwich of the Summer Olympics
Krusty: (Tickle Me Krusty doll) HA! HA! HA! Hey Kid, get your finger out of there.
Krusty: (Splash Mountain Jingle) I wanna go to Splash Mountain ,take me,take me ,take me,take me now,now,now.NOW!NOW!NOW!NOW!NOW!Take me to Splash Mountain Right Now
Krusty: Would it really be worth living in a world without television?
Krusty: Let's just say it moved me.....TO A BIGGER HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oops, i said the loud part quiet and the quiet part loud!
Krusty: (singing National anthem) Oh say can you see, ba dad da da duh duh.....uhhhh....I never should have turned down those cue cards.
Krusty: What good is respect if you don't have the moola to back it up?
Krusty: Hey, don't blame me. It was the Percodan. If you ask me, that stuff rots your brain. And now a word from our new sponsor...PERCODAN?!?! Awwwww Crap!!
Krusty: Bart,I need you to get down to the observatory,and get your fingerprints on a candlestick, everything's gonna be alright.
Krusty: They drove a dumptruck full of money up to my house... I'm not made of stone!
Krusty: I'm gonna take you kids to the happiest place on Earth... TIJUANA!
Krusty: TONIGHT I'M GOING TO SUCK! ....... ...... your blood.
Krusty (While filming the KrustyBurger commercial): Aaaaaagh! I almost swallowed some of the juice!
Krusty: After 35 years of show business people already forget who you are...just like what's his name...you know, the guy...he always wore the shirt?
Krusty: A joke, ah...oh....ok! A man walks into a bar with a small piano, and a twelve inch pianist.....whooaaa hooaaa...I can't tell that one!!...huh huh huh huh huh
Krusty: Give a hoot, read a book.
Krusty: I campaigned for the other guy, but I voted for you!
Krusty: I used to do a lot of tumbling in my act but I'm phasing it out for more dirty limericks. There once was a man named Enus...
Krusty: I will personally spit into every fiftieth burger.
Krusty: Now for my favorite part of the show....What does that say? Talk to the audience! Ugghhh, this is always death...
Krusty (responding to Mrs. Lovejoy saying "Do you think they should be talking about s-e-x in front of the c-h-i-l-d-r-e-n): Sex Cauldron! I thought they closed that place down years ago!
Krusty: I wanted to do something to help the boy. So I called my good friend Sting. He said, 'Krusty, when do you need me?' I said, 'Thursday.' He said, 'I'm busy Thursday.' I said, 'What about Friday?' He said, 'Friday's worse than Thursday.' Then, he said, 'How about Saturday?' I said, 'Fine.' True story." Krusty: Kamp Krusty is built on an actual Indian burial ground. We've got archery, wallet making, the whole megillah. And for you fat kids, my exclusive program of diet and ridicule will really get results!" Krusty: Thirty-five years in show business and already no one remembers my name. Just like what's-his-name and whosit's and, you know, that guy, who always wore a shirt.

Mr. Burns
Mr. Burns: Smithers, you infernal ninny! Stick your left hoof on that flange now! Now if you can get it through your bug-addled brain, jam the second mephitic clodhopper of yours on the right doo-dad! Now pump those chicken legs, you stuporous funker.
Mr. Burns: An oil well doesn't belong in the hands of Betsy Bleeding Heart and Maynard G. Muskievote!
Mr. Burns: Smithers, this is a golden opportunity. If we can get him (King Homer)alive, we can put him on Broadway. Dead, and we can sell monkey stew to the my.
Mr. Burns (watching his employees): Kackanapes... Lolligaggers... noodle heads!
Mr. Burns: Oh, quit cogitating Steinmetz, use an open faced club. A sand wedge.
Mr Burns: Tell you what. We come back and everyone's slaughtered, I owe you a Coke.
Mr.Burns: It can't be that difficult to figure out which pedal is the velocitator and which is the decceleratrix.
Mr. Burns: Oh, 'meltdown' is one of those annoying buzzwords Kent. I prefer to call it an 'unrequested fission surplus'
Mr. Burns: Ironic, isn’t it, Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election. Yet if I were to have them killed, I’d be the one sent to jail! That’s democracy for you.
Mr. Burns: Thank God we live in a country so histerical over crime that a ten year old child can be tried as an adult.
Mr. Burns: Since the beginning of time man has yearned to destroy the sun.
Mr. Burns: Damn it Smithers! This is brain surgery, not rocket science! Now hand me that ice cream scoop!
Mr. Burns: A hoy hoy? No a that person doesn't live here, I think you need more practice using your telephone machine.
Mr. Burns: Smithers, have the Rolling Stones killed.
Mr. Burns (at the grocery store): Ketchup. Catsup. Ketchup. Catsup. Mmmm... I'm in way over my head.
Mr. Burns: Perhaps this energy conservation fad is as dead as a do-do.
Mr. Burns: We'll get the Simpsons a present. An extravagant present. A mad, nthinkable, utterly impossible present! A frabulous, grabulous, zip-zoop-zabulous present!
Mr. Burns: Smithers, don't feel so bad. After al, that kidney you donated to me really hit the spot.
Mr. Burns: You're smarter than you look, or sound, or our best testing indicates.
Mr. Burns: So, another Friday is upon us, what you be doing, Smithers, something gay, no doubt!
Mr. Burns: I guess I have no choice but to kiss my sorry butt good-bye
Mr. Burns: I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship: these are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to the maternity hospital or sitting in some phony baloney church or synagogue.
Mr. Burns: Oh so Mother Nature needs a favor? Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys. Nature started the fight for survival and now she wants to quit because she's losing? Well, I say 'Hard Cheese!'
Mr. Burns: If you can take advantage of a situation in some way, its your duty as an American to do it. Why should the race always be to the swift or the jumble to the quick-witted? Should they be allowed to win merely because of the gifts God gave them? Well, I say, cheating is the gift Man gives himself.
Mr. Burns: I feel like such a free spirit, and I'm really enjoying this so-called...iced cream.

Grandpa Simpson
Grandpa Simpson: No apologies! Not until he admits he's a jerk!
Grandpa Simpson: Oral thermometer ,my eye! Think wm thoughts ,boy, 'cause this is mighty cold.
Grandpa Simpson: I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missoura.
Grandpa Simpson: I got a funny story about that. Well it's not so much funny as it is long.
Grandpa Simpson: She did things your mother would never do. Like have sex for money.
Grandpa Simpson (standing in an outhouse): This elevator only goes down to the basement, and someone made an awful mess down there.
Grandpa Simpson: People these days, always wantin' somethin' for nothin' [walks into insurance office] I'm old, gimme, gimme, gimme.
Grandpa Simpson: (quiting his job at Krusty Burger): Mr. Peterson, you can take this job and ...fill it. And one more thing, I never once washed my hands. That's your policy, not mine.
Grandpa Simpson: I can still eat corn on the cob if someone cuts it off and mushes it into a fine paste. Now that's good eatin!
Grandpa: Who needs love? Now I have more time to look at things I find on the ground. Laytex condom?...Boy I'd love to live in one of those! Grandpa: Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot.
Grandpa: I always get the blame around here! Who threw a cane at the TV? Who fell into the china hutch? Who got their dentures stuck on the toilet?

Troy McClure
Troy McLure: I can't remember when I've heard a funnier anecdote. Now you tell one.
Troy McClure: Hi! I'm actor Troy McClure. You might remember me from such Driver's Ed. films as 'Alice's Adventures Through the Windshield Glass' and 'The Decapitation of Larry Leadfoot.'
Troy McClure: 'Spin-off'; is there any word more thrilling to the human soul? Hi! I'm Troy McClure! You may remember me from such TV spin-offs as 'Son of Sanford and Son' and 'After Mannix.'
Troy McClure: Hello, I'm actor Troy McClure. You kids might remember me from such educational films as 'Lead Paint: Delicious but Deadly' and 'Here Comes the Metric System!'
Troy McClure: I'm Troy McClure. You probably remember me from such films as 'The Revenge of Abe Lincoln' and 'The Whackiest Covered Wagon in the West.
Troy McClure: Hi! I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such public service videos as 'Designated Drivers: The Life-Saving Nerds' and 'Phony Tornado Alms Reduce Readiness'.
Troy McClure: Hi! I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such Fox network specials as 'Alien Nose Job' and 'Five Fabulous Weeks of ''The Chevy Chase Show.'' '
Troy McClure: Hi! I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such educational films as 'Two Minus Three Equals Negative Fun!' and 'Firecrackers: The Silent Killer'.
Troy McClure: Hi! I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such cartoons as 'Christmas Ape' and 'Christmas Ape Goes to Summer Camp'. Troy McClure: Don't kid yourself Jimmy, if a cow ever got the chance he'd eat you and everyone you care about.
Troy McClure: So now that you know how it's done... don't do it.
Troy McClure: Hello, Selma Bouvier? It's Troy McClure. You may remember me from such dates as last night's dinner!
Troy McClure: My good looks paid for that pool, and my talent filled it with water! Hi, I'm Troy McClure, your future uncle.
Troy McClure: DNA is God's recipe for making you. You take a dash of Dad, a pinch of Mom, then we bake for nine months and... mmm! That's good Billy!
Troy McClure: The Simpson's writers actually wrote a separate ending having someone else kill Mr. Burns, but for that to be true, we'd have to ignore all the Simpson DNA evidence...

Ralph Wiggum
Ralph Wiggum: Me fail english that's unpossible
Ralph Wiggum: And when the doctor said I didn't have worms any more, that was the happiest day of my life.
Ralph Wiggum: I saw Principal Skinner and Mrs. Crabapple in the closet making babies and I saw the babies and one of the babies smiled at me.
Ralph Wiggum: Principal Skinner, I got car sick in your office.
Ralph Wiggum: It tastes like ... burning.
Ralph Wiggum: My cat's breath smells like cat food.
Ralph Wiggum: If aquarium gravel is so bad for you. How come it tastes so good?
Ralph Wiggum: Oh boy nap time, that's where i'm a Viking.
Ralph Wiggum: The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger out of there
Ralph Wiggum: Daddy! It tastes like grandma!
Ralph Wiggum: I found a moon rock in my nose!
Ralph Wiggum: Ms. Hoover, I glued my head to my shoulder.
Ralph Wiggum (ending up in the Simpson's front yard after the Springfield dam burst): I think I wet my bed.
Ralph Wiggum: Oooh. I think I ate too much plastic candy.
Ralph Wiggum: Lisa's bad dancing makes my feet sad.
Ralph Wiggam: I'm Idaho
Ralph Wiggum: I bent my wookie!
Ralph Wiggam: Ummm... Ms. Hoover? My worm crawled in my mouth and then I ate it... can I have another?
Ralph Wiggum: I ate all my caps.
Ralph Wiggum: I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant.
Ralph Wiggum: Somebody took my juice money!
Ralph Wiggum: When I grow up, I'm going to go to Bovine University.
Ralph Wiggum: When I grow up I wanna be a Principal or a Caterpillar... I love you Principal Skinner!

Seymour Skinner
Principal Skinner: Good evening, everyone, and welcome to a wonderful evening of theater and picking up after yourselves.
Principal Skinner: C'mon kids. Let's go home to our mothers.
Armen Tamzarian: Up yours children.
Principal Skinner: Childern, we have some SERIOUS boning up to do before the mock UN meeting... and BONE WE SHALL!
Principal Skinner: Read my thoughts boy, if I find out that you skipped school, you're ass is mine! That's right, I think things that I would never say.
Principal Skinner: I hardly let mother fight for me anymore!
Principal Skinner: Say what you will about our cafeteria, I still think they're the best tater tots money can buy.
Principal Skinner: God bless the man who invented permission slips!
Principal Skinner: Order! Order! Do you kids want to be like the real UN? Or do you just want to squabble and waste time?
Principal Skinner: Well, Edna, for a school with no Asian kids, I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair.
Principal Skinner: Ah, Diorama-Rama, my favorite school event next to Hearing Test Thursday.

Apu
Apu: Silly customer, you cannot hurt a twinkie!
Apu: I won't lie to you. On this job you will be shot at.
Apu: I have been shot eight times in the last year and as a result I almost missed work.
Apu: By the 7 arms of Visnu, I swear it. I am not a Hindu.
Apu: Ah! My old squishee machine! And my scum bucket with fly!
Apu: Ooooo a head bag. It's full of head-y goodness
Apu (When asked how much a 29 cent stamp is): $1.69
Apu: This is the only room with electricity. There is only one problem. It has too much electricity.
Apu: Hello. I am not interested in buying your house, but I would like to use your rest room, flip through your magazines, rearrange your carefully shelved items and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner. Ha! Now you know how it feels!
Apu: Be careful when we capture him! We cannot claim the reward unless we have 51% of the carcass!
Apu: He slept, he stole, he was rude to the customers. Still, there goes the best damned employee a convenience store ever had.
Apu: Hey! Hey! Hey! I have asked you nicely not to mangle my merchandise. You leave me no choice but to...ask you nicely again.
Apu: Homer, you are asleep at your post! Now go change the expiration dates on the dairy products!
Apu: I'm Sgt. Pepper's Lone Heart's club van. I hope I will enjoy my show.
Apu: If you survive, please come again!
Apu: Mrs. Simpson, I--I cannot go there. That is the scene of my spiritual depantsing.
Apu: My ceiling mirrors and video cameras sometimes see more than who is about to shoot me.
Apu: Nickel off on expired baby food.
Apu: Oh, the searing kiss of hot lead. How I've missed you!
Apu: Please do not offer my God a peanut!
Apu: Sanjay to the entrance with the Windex. Sanjay to the entrance with the Windex.
Apu: Shiva H. Vishnu!
Apu: Such a mighty wallop.
Apu: Thank you for coming. I'll see you in Hell.
Apu: Well, if you need money, you should have at least jammed a gun in my ribs...
Apu: You! Wandering mongrel! Get out of my Mom and Pop operation.
Apu: Mr.Simpson--A Twizzler is not a sprinkle...A Mounds is not a sprinkle...A Jolly Rancher is NOT a sprinkle!!!!
Apu: Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know.
Apu: I've just enrolled in a screenwriting class, I yearn to tell the story of an idealistic young Hindu, pushed too far by convenience store bandits. I call it, 'Hands Off My Jerky, Turkey.'

Bart
Bart: Why the crap do we have to go to church anyway?
Bart: But, mom! If you take our cartoons away, we'll grow up without a sense of humor and be robots.
Bart: You don't win friends with salad.
Bart: Eat around the banana dad. It's just empty vitamins.
Bart: She said you'd fold faster than Superman on laundry day.
Bart: Dad, I'll trade you this delicous doorstop for your crummy old danish.
Bart: And I think it's ironic that for once Dad's butt prevented the release the toxic gas rather than...
Bart: As usual, a knife weilding maniac has shown us the way.
Bart: It's craptacular!
Bart: It'll be like the Swiss Family Robinson, only with more cursing! We'll live like kings! Damn hell ass kings!
Bart: George Burns was right, show business is a hideous bitch-goddess.
Bart: I sure as 'hell' can't say we learned about 'hell' if I don't say the word 'hell', can I?
Bart: Part of this D-minus belongs to God.
Bart: Dear God, we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.
Bart: Man, I wish i was an adult so I could break the rules.
Bart: All life's answers are on TV.

Ned Flanders
Ned Flanders: Dear God, thank you for Ziggy comics, little baby ducks, and 'Sweatin' to the Oldies,' volumes one, two and four.
Ned Flanders: Heydilly-ho! Welcome to your new home neglect-areenos!.
Ned Flanders: Calm down, Neddilly-diddily-diddily-diddily.... They did their best.... Shoddilly-iddily-iddily-diddly... Gotta be nice.... hostility-ility-bility-dility- Aw, hell, diddly-ding-dong-crap! Can't you morons do anything right?
Ned Flanders (After Bart answers 'Jesus?' when asked about the fire breathing lion's head): Jes- Jes- Don't you kids know anything? The serpent of Rehboam? The well of Zohssadr? The bridal feast of Beth Chadruharazzeb?
Ned Flanders: Why me, Lord? Where have I gone wrong? I've always been nice to people! I don't drink or dance or swear! I've even kept Kosher just to be on the safe side! I've done everything the Bible says, even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! What more could I do?
Ned Flanders (Preparing for hurricane): Ooh, I better take down the manger scene! If baby Jesus got loose he could really do some damage!

Groundskeeper Willie
Groundskeeper Willie: My mule wouldn't pull in the mud, so I had to put seventeen bullets in her.
Groundskeeper Willie: I warned you...that colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself!
Groundskeeper Willie: Bonjour..you cheese eatin' surrender monkeys.
Groundskeeper Willie: Who's gonna save the wee turtles? I've got to save the wee turtles. Aaaahh, save me from the wee turtles!
Groundskeeper Willie: Ach... me retirement grease!
Groundskeeper Willie: Ach, you call that a soccer riot? Come on lads lets take 'em to school!
Groundskeeper Willie: If I were elected mayor the first thing I would do is I'd kill the lot of you.
Groundskeeper Willie: I've been wreslin' wolves since you been suckin' ya motha's teet.

Lisa
Lisa: Wait...that's not how you spell 'dumbening'.
Lisa: I should have got off at Crackton.
Lisa: A man who envies our family is a man who needs help.
Lisa: Oh no, the dead have risen and they're voting Republican.
Lisa: It's just hard not listening to TV, it's spent so much more time raising us than you have.
Lisa: They call it physical education, but it feels like gym to me.

Milhouse
Milhouse: We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up in tragedy.
Milhouse: If it's in a book, it must be true!
Milhouse: Remember that time he (SLH) ate my goldfish? And then you lied to me and said I didn't have any goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart... why did I have the bowl?
Milhouse: They're not just Pogs... they're Alf Pogs. Remember Alf? He's back... in Pog form.
Milhouse: Not only am I not learning, I'm forgetting stuff I used to know.
Milhouse (watching a cartoon): Look out Itchy, he's Irish!
Milhouse: Um, I checked around. The girls are calling you fatty fat fat fat, and Nelson's planning to pull down your pants, but nobody's trying to kill you.

Marge
Marge: Now if you'll excuse me I have some dust that needs busting
Marge: The only thing I'm high on is love. Love for my son and daughters. Yes, a little LSD is all I need.
Marge: Bart! Stop pestering Satan.
Marge: I'd like to see the Japanese take on the Club Sandwich... I bet it's smaller AND more efficient.
Marge: Kids, will you tell me when your father stops scratching himself?
Marge: You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head.
Marge: Well,anyone who beats you up for wearing a shirt isn't your friend.
Marge: Dear Lord, if you spare this town from becoming a smoking hole in the ground, I'll try to be a better Christian. I don't know what I can do...ummm, oh, the next time there's a canned food drive I'll give the poor something they'd actually like instead of old lima beans and pumkin mix.
Marge (to King Homer): You know, you look a little flushed. Maybe you should eat more vegetables and less people.
Marge: People who live in glass houses should always wear clothes.
Marge: Oh, that's a great price for fifteen pounds of nutmeg!
Marge: You know, the courts might not work anymore, but as long as everyone is videotaping everyone else, justice will be served.

Dr. Nick
Dr Nick: Careful, you might give yourself skin failure.
Dr. Nick: Tell me, did you feel your brain getting damaged when you were in that coma?
Dr Nick: The coroner. I'm so sick of that guy. Well, see you in the operating place.
Dr Nick: Now there are many options available for dangerously underweight individuals like yourself. I recommend a slow steady gorging process combined with assal horizontology.
Dr Nick: The most rewarding part was when he gave me the money!
Dr. Nick: Order now and you'll also get Sun-n-Run the suntan lotion that's also a laxative.
Dr. Nick: Don't worry, you wont't feel a thing.... 'til i shove this down your throat.
Dr. Nick: I'll perform any operation for 129.95! Come in for brain surgery and receive a free Chinese finger trap! You've tried the best, now try the rest Call 1-600-DOCTORB. The B is for Bargain!
Dr. Nick: The knee bone's connected to the something. The something's connected to the red thing. The red thing's connected to my wrist watch...
Dr. Nick: You'll want to focus on the neglected food groups such as the whipped group, the congealed group and the chocotastic!
Dr. Nick: Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too? And remember, if you're not sure about something, rub it against a piece of paper. If the paper turns clear, it's your window to weight gain. Bye bye, everybody!
Dr. Nick: Eww, blood
Dr. Nick: Now, if something should go wrong, let's not get the law involved. One hand washes the other. Hey, that reminds me.
Dr. Nick (just before Homer goes under the gas): What the hell is that?
Dr. Nick: It's such a nice day, I think I'll take a walk out the window.
Dr. Nick (after he pokes Homer, who makes a squeaking noise): Oh no! I see no signs of life. Just to be safe, we'd better pull the plug.
Dr. Nick: One, two, three...Out like a light. Oops, maybe if I fiddle with these knobs. Hey, I smell gas. Pleasant gas. Night night gas.
Dr. Nick: Be creative. Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use pop tarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.
Dr. Nick: Holy smokes, you need booze!
Dr. Nick: The symptoms you describe lead me to believe that you are suffering from bonus eruptus, a rare disorder in which the skeleton tries to jump out of the skin. The only way to stop it is through transdental electromicide. I'll need a golf cart motor and a thousand volt capacimator, stat.
Dr. Nick: You don't have to make up stories here. Save that for court.
Dr. Nick: Your son is a very sick boy. Just look at these x-rays. You see that dark spot there? Whiplash. And this smudge here that looks like my fingerprint...no, that's trauma!

Kent Brockman
Kent Brockman: The fake Pope can be recognized by his high top sneakers and extremely foul mouth.
Kent Brockman: Tonight on 'Smartline': The Power Plant Strike: Argle Bargle or Foofrah?
Kent Brockman: This just in: 'Go to hell!'
Kent Brokman: For Channel 6 News, I'm Kenny Brockelstein.
Kent Brokman: Over the years, a reporter learns many things, and since it doesn't matter anymore, the following people are gay.
Kent Brokman: From these pictures it is obvious what has happened. Giant alien space ants have taken over the shuttle. I, for one, welcome our new Insect Overlords. And I'd like to remind them, that as a trusted celebrity, I can be useful in rounding up slaves to toil in their underground sugar mines.
Kent Brokman: Ohh the humanity!... Anyway, the anual swimsuit competition is on.
Kent Brokman: Unemployment...it's not just for philosophy majors anymore.
Kent Brokman: This just in. A fistfight is in progress in downtown Springfield. Early reports indicate, and this is very preliminary, that one of the fighters is a giant lizard! Do we have a source on this? Uh huh. A bunch of drunken frat boys. Alright, I could use some names... I. P. Freeley.
Kent Brokman: Join us at 6 o'clock with our exclusive coverage when the trashman came,and when Marge put the cat out. Possibly because it was harrased we don't know.
Kent Brokman: Ladies and gentlemen, what you are seeing is a total disregard for what St. Patrick's Day stands for. All this drinking, violence, destruction of property...Are these the thing we think of when we think of the Irish?
Kent Brokman: Oh, and the president was arrested for murder. More on that tomorrow night or you could turn to another channel...huh?...do not turn to another channel.
Kent Brokman: Springfield has come down with a fever: football fever. If you have the fever, there's only one cure. Take 2 tickets, and see the game Sunday morning.
Kent Brockman: At the risk of being unpopular, this reporter places the blame on you the viewers.
Kent Brockman: Prof. Without knowing preciscly what the danger is, would you say its time for our viewers to crack each others heads open and eat the goo inside?
Kent Brockman: Thousands of people are gunned down each day in Springfield, but until now none of them where important.
Kent Brockman: The Army calls it the Kill Bot Factory, But a more alarmest name would be the 'Killbott Factory'.

Professor Frink
Professor Frink: You've got to listen to me! Elementary chaos theory tells us that all robots will eventually turn against their masters and run amok in an orgy of blood and kicking and the biting with the metal teeth and the hurting and shoving!
Professor Frink: Don't worry Frinky old boy, we'll have these babies(hamburger emuffs) in the stores while he's still grapling with the pickle matrix.
Professor Frink: No, you can't play with it, you will enjoy it on as many levels as I do. (Eulgh-hey) The colors, children!
Professor Frink: I'm going to kill that monkey.
Professor Frink: Oh, well to be honest, the ray only has evil applications. You know my wife will be happy, she's hated this whole death ray thing from day one.
Professor Frink: Brace yourselves gentlemen. According to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is... Love!? Who's been screwing with this thing?
Professor Frink: After evaluating millions of pieces of data in the blink of an eye, the Gamble-Tron 2000 says the winner is... Cincinnati by 200 points!? Why, you worthless hunk of junk!
Professor Frink: Well, it should be obvious to even the most dim-witted individual who holds an advanced degree in hyperbolic topology, ng-bwui, that Homer Simpson has stumbled into... the third dimension.

Dr. Hibbert
Dr. Hibbert: Speaking from a strictly medical point of view, that ain't right.
Dr. Hibbert: Mm-hmm. I think we'll just go to the Texas Cheesecake Depository.
Dr. Hibbert: Diagnosis? Delicious!
Dr. Hibbert: In order for it to work, it had to be... terror sweat!
Dr. Hibbert: One consolation is that you will feel no pain until sometime tomorrow evening when your heart suddenly explodes.
Dr. Hibbert: As a Doctor I'd say he's had enough ... but as a footbal fan ...
Dr. Hibbert: Mrs. Simpson. I'm afraid your husband is dead ... hohoho, April Fools.
Dr. Hibbert: And hillbillies prefer to be called sons of the soil, but it ain't gonna happen!
Dr. Hibbert: We don't believe fur is murder, but paying for it sure is.

Barney Gumble
Barney Gumble: Hey, Homer, I'm worried about the beer supply. After this case, and the other case, there's only one case left.
Barney Gumble: These fumes aren't as fun as beer. Sure, I'm all dizzy and nauseous, but where's the inflated sense of self-esteem?
Barney Gumble: Aaah! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me!
Barney Gumble: Uh-Oh, Somebody smells stinky! Whoa, it's me!
Barney Gumble: (Impersonating Krusty) I am so Crunchy the Clown.
Barney Gumble: I don't know where you pixies came from but I sure like your pixie drink!
Barney Gumble: Your infatuation is based on a physical attraction. Talk to the woman and you'll realize you have nothing in common.
Barney Gumble: Hey, can I throw up in your bathroom? I'll buy something.
Barney Gumble: In case you get hungry, there's an open beer in the fridge.
Barney Gumble: When I first heard about the operation, I was against it. But then I thought, if Homer wants to be a woman, then so be it.

Lionel Hutz
Lionel Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me, since I accidently ran over his dog. Actually, replace 'accidently' with 'repeatedly', and replace 'dog' with 'son'.
Lionel Hutz: I move for a bad court thingy.
Lionel Hutz: I've argued in front of every judge in this state. Often as a lawyer.
Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film 'The Neverending Story'.
Lionel Hutz: If you hire me, you not only get an attorney... you also get this genuine faux pearl necklace.
Lionel Hutz: Lionel Hutz, court-appointed attorney. I'll be defending you on the charge of... Murder One! Wow! Even if I lose, I'll be famous!
Lionel Hutz: Pfft. Doctors. Doctors are idiots! There is no telling what type of permanent injuries he might have. You might have to wait on him hand and foot for the rest of his natural life. That's the down side. Now here is the good part. You can ching ching ching cash in on this tragedy.
Lionel Hutz: You'll be getting more than just a lawyer, Mr. Simpson. You'll also be getting this exquisite faux pearl necklace, a $99 value, as our gift to you.
Lionel Hutz: I'm Lionel Hutz, executor of Ms. Bouvier's estate. She left a video-will so I earn my fee simply by pressing the "play" button. Pretty sweet, eh?
Lionel Hutz (Watching L.A. Law): Oh, sure, like lawyers work in big skyscrapers and have secretaries. Look at him! He's wearing a belt. That's Hollywood for ya.
Lionel Hutz: As of now, Lionel Hutz no longer exists. Say hello to Miguel Sanchez!
Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.
Lionel Hutz: Hutz is the name Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.
Lionel Hutz: Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. What's that, a broken neck? Great!
Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson, the state bar forbids me from promising you a big cash settlement. But just between you and me, I promise you a big cash settlement.
Lionel Hutz: Why don't I just give you this pen with my phone number on it. It looks just like a cigar. Isn't that something!
Lionel Hutz: This all goes back to the Frank Wallbanger case of '78. How about that! I looked something up! These books behind me don't just make the office look good, they're filled with useful legal tidbits just like that!
Lionel Hutz: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to prove to you not only that Freddy Quimby is guilty, but that he is also innocent of not being guilty.
Lionel Hutz: I'll have you know the contents of that dumpster are private! You stick your nose in, you'll be violating attorney-dumpster confidentiality.
Lionel Hutz (After the Judge asks him if he has any evidence at all): Well, Your Honor. We've got plenty of hearsay and conjecture. Those are kinds of evidence.
Lionel Hutz: It's a thorny legal issue, all right. I'll need to refer to the case of Finders v. Keepers.
Lionel Hutz: Well we lost, here's your free pizza.
Lionel Hutz: Mr. Simpson I was just going through your garbage and I couldn't help but overhearing that you need a babysitter! Since I'm a highly trained lawyer I'll charge you $200/hour!

Maggie
Maggie: Daddy
Maggie: Moe
Maggie: Dad-i-lee-doo-di-lee
Maggie:(voice of James Earl Jones): This is a most disturbing universe indeed.
Maggie: Where are you? Oh, there you are. Very amusing.

Mayor Quimby
Mayor Quimby: I don't know what made me think Michael Jackson would even come to this Stink-water Burg.
Mayor Quimby: The uh.. Zombies that once plagued our town are now just corpses rotting in the street.
Mayor Quimby: You people are a bunch of fickle mushheads!
Mayor Quimby: Now people, we are far from screwed!
Mayor Quimby: Working for the office of the mayor, you must conduct yourself in a manner befitting of QUICK!, honk at that broad! ...I couldn't be happier with the way that went down.
Mayor Quimby: Did I, er, uh, hear the sound of a, uh, briefcase opening?
Mayor Quimby: You go ahead! I'll just amuse myself with these pornographic playing cards!
Mayor Quimby: Help! I'm being attacked by children!
Mayor Quimby: By the way, this young woman is not my wife, but I am sleeping with her. I'm telling you this because I'm comfortable with my womanizing.
Mayor Quimby: The mayor's office is not for sale! ...Uh, can we edit out the laughter?

Jasper
Jasper: Slow down. The sidewalk's for regular walkin', not for fancy walkin'.
Jasper: Talking out of turn...that's a paddling. Looking out the window...that's a paddling. Sting at my sandals...that's a paddling. Paddling the school canoe...ooh, you better believe that's a paddling.
Jasper: You sunk my Battleship.
Jasper: It's an old fashioned hole diggin'! By gar its been a while.
Jasper: Damn fools! Drive Thru's not for a-parking
Jasper: Let's vote. My liver is failing.
Jasper (When asked if he's here for the Coping with Senility class): No! I'm here for Microwave Cookery No, wait. Coping with Senility.
Jasper: What's eating you, woman? Your personal ad said you wanted a man. Well, you got yourself a humdinger.
Jasper: You shot who in the what now?
Jasper: I'm blind. Oh well, easy come, easy go.
Jasper: Well, well ...If it isn't the tooth fairy.

Sea Captain McCallister
Sea Captain McCallister: Arrrgh, from now I be requirin' hair nets.
Sea Captain McCallister: Arrrgh, Is it more ice-tea you be needin'?
Sea Captain McCallister: Tis not a man, tis a remorseless eating machine.
Sea Captain McCallister: Arrrrrr... I hate the sea, and everything in it.
Sea Captain McCallister: Bottomless Pete, Come for the freak, stay for the food.

Rainer Wolfcastle
Rainier Wolfcastle: My eyes! They're burning! These goggles do nothing.
Rainier Wolfcastle: Up and at them.
Rainier Wolfcastle: Have you ever noticed how women go to the bathroom in groups? .......that was the joke.
Rainier Wolfcastle: (commercial as a child) My brautwerst has a first name...its F-R-I-E-C...my brautwerst has a second name...its S-C-H-N-A-C-K-E-N-P-F-E-F-F-E-R-H-A-U-L-C-N.....
Rainier Wolfcastle: And now my Woody Allen impression. 'I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls.'
Rainier Wolfcastle: Hey, that jacket makes you look like a homosexual! - Maybe you are all homosexuals!
Rainier Wolfcastle (in response to how he sleeps at night): On top of a big pile of money with many beautiful ladies.
Rainier Wolfcastle (looking at his shoes): From here zey appear to be tied, but I will go in for a closer look. On closer inspection, zese are loafers.

Selma
Selma: Oooh, this looks like fun...a bench! Kids, whaddya say you go get your Aunt Selma a beer smoothie?

Patty
Patty: You've come to the right place. We've got classy duds out the ying-yang.
Patty: Hmm...Am I wrong, or did it just get fatter in here?

Comic book Store Guy
Comicbook Store Guy: OK, here we are: alt.nerd.obsessive. Need know star RM pic.
Comicbook Store Guy (After being called a fat sarcastic Star Trek fan): Eah! I must hurry back to my comic book store where I dispense the insults rather than absorbe them !
Comicbook Store Guy: Ooooooh cheeseburgers and loneliness are a deadly mix.
Comicbook Store Guy: Excuse me 'Santos', if that is your real name, BART SIMPSON! but your phony credit card is of no use here. Now make like my pants and split.
Comicbook Store Guy: Please do not bang your head on the display case... it contains a very rare 'Mary Worth' in which Mary advises a friend to commit suicide. Thank you.
Comicbook Store Guy: Now make like my pants... and split!

Sideshow Bob
Sideshow Bob: No children have ever meddled with the Republican party and lived to tell about it.
Sideshow Bob:ATTEMPTED murder, what is that!? Do they give a Nobel Prize for ATTEMPTED chemistry, well, do they?!
Sideshow Bob:Well, if it isn't my arch-nemesis, Bart Simpson. And his sister Lisa, towards whom I am fairly indifferent.
Sideshow Bob:You can't handle the truth! No truth handler you! I deride your truth handling ability!
Sideshow Bob:(to Selma) Kissing you would be like kissing some sort of devine ashtray
Sideshow Bob:How ironic. My crusade against television has come to an end so formulaic it could've spewed from the Powerbook of the laziest Hollywood hack.
Sideshow Bob:My foolish capering had destroyed more young minds than syphillis and pinball combined!
Sideshow Bob: Oh, sure, when it's one of my schemes, you can't foil it fast enough. But when it's Cecil's scheme, 'it's hopeless! Utterly, utterly hopeless!'
Sideshow Bob: Deep down inside, you secretly long for a cold hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king!

Ms. Hoover
Ms. Hoover: Ralph, remember the time you said Snagglepuss was outside.
Ms. Hoover: The children are right to laugh at you Ralph, these scissors couldn't cut butter.
Ms. Hoover: Do you want to play John Wilkes Boothe, or do you want to act like a maniac?

Smithers
Smithers: What's wrong with this country. Can't a man walk down the street without being offered a job?
Smithers: M'am, I wouldn't honk the honk if i couldn't tonk the tonk.
Smithers: Look at all the wonderful things you have, sir: King Arthur's 'Excalibur'. The only existing nude photo of Mark Twain. And that rare first draft of the constitution with the word 'suckers' in it.

Moe
Moe: I'm better than dirt--well, most kind of dirt. I mean, not that fancy, store-bought dirt. That stuff's loaded with nutrients. I--I can't compete with that stuff."
Moe: Is there a Mr Freely here! Hey everyone I. P. Freely!
Moe: Hugankiss? Amanda Hugankiss? Why can't I find Amanda Hugankiss?
Moe: Hey! If you guys are getting loaded off them fumes, I'm gonna have to charge ya.
Moe: Ivana Tinkle. Everybody quiet. Ivana Tinkle!
Moe: Hey everyone, is there a Homer Sexual here?
Moe: Oh, so your looking for a Smithers, huh? First name Waylan is it? Listen you, when I get ahold of you Im gonna' pull out your eyes and stick em' in your pants so you can watch me kick the crap outta' ya!
Moe: If this gets out, the next words you say will be muffled by your own butt.
Moe: They think they're so high and mighty, just because they've never been caught driving without pants before.
Moe: Yeah, you can call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people suck at everything.
Moe: He may have come up with the recipe, but I came up with the idea of charging $6.95 for it.

Jimbo Jones
Jimbo Jones: Way to breathe, no breath.
Jimbo Jones: You're lucky you happen to be your sister's brother.

Cleetus
Cletus (At the carwash): All right, young'uns, bath time. Cover up your eyes and drop your britches. Who wants wax?
Cletus: Are you some kinda moron?
Cletus: I can see my ma from up here. Hey Ma, get off the dang roof!
Cletus: Hey Ma! Look at that pointy-haired little girl.
Cletus: Mind you, them skunks can go off even after they's dead.

Rev. Lovejoy
Rev. Lovejoy: Do you Marge take Homer, in richness and in poorness...poorness is underlined, in potentcy and inpotentcy, in happiness and in blasting across the Alkali Salt Flats in a jet-powered, monkey-navigated...and it goes on like this.
Rev. Lovejoy: Have you ever thought about another religion Ned? They're basically all the same.
Rev. Lovejoy: Have you ever read the bible Marge? Technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom.
Rev. Lovejoy: Wait a minute. That sounds like rock and or roll!
Rev. Lovejoy: Now before we begin today's sermon, entiteled 'What Ned Did', I'd like to congratulate Homer Simpson on his recent charity work.
Rev. Lovejoy: Everyone's saying 'Gabbo' this and 'Gabbo' that... but no one is saying 'Worship' this and 'Jericho' that.
Rev. Lovejoy (When Flanders asks if God is punishing him): Ooh, short answer 'yes' with an 'if'. Long answer 'no' with a 'but'.

Nelson Munz
Nelson Munz: Shoplifting is a victimless crime, like punching someone in the dark!
Nelson Munz (after Lisa asks if he believes in his 'Nuke the Whales' poster) : I don't know..gotta nuke something!!
Nelson: Hey German boy, go back to Germania!

Superintendant Chalmers
Superindendent Chaumers: I've had it with this school. The low tests scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children.
Superindendent Chalmers: How come when I heard the word 'school' followed by the word 'exploded' I immediately thought of the word SKINNER!?"
Superindendent Chalmers: ...And you call them steamed hams even though they were obviously grilled?

Roger Meyers
Roger Meyers: You kids don't know what you want. That's why you're kids, because you're stupid!
Roger Meyers: There was violence in the past, long before cartoons were invented.
Roger Meyers: If I puked in a fountain pen and sent it to a monkey house, I'd get better scripts!

Fat Tony
Fat Tony: My wife has been very vocal on the subject of the money. Where's the money? When are you going to get the money? And so forth. So...the money.
Fat Tony: What's a murder?

Hans Moleman
Hans Moleman: I was saying Boourns.

Miscellaneous
Drederick Tatum: I think he's a good man, I like him, I got nothing against him,but I'm definitely gonna make orphans of his children.
Krusty Doll Repairman: Yep, here's your problem. Someone set this thing to 'Evil.'
Krusty Brand Products Sales Rep: That clock gets extremely hot if you leave it plugged in.
Australian Guy: Nine hundred dolareedoos???
Australian Guy: I see you've played knifey spooney before.
George Bush: I'll ruin you like a Japanese banquet.
Japanese Game Show Host: American game shows reward intelligence. Our game shows punish ignorance.
Proprietor of Uriah's Heap: Sounds like somebody's working for their car... simplifyyyyyyyy, maaaaaaaan.
Wheel of Fortune Contestant: I'd like to solve the puzzle. 'Three Loins in a Fountain.'"
Scott Christian: Coming up next, a new fad that's sweeping the nation - wasting food."
Lyle Lanley: So MONO equals 'one' and RAIL equals 'rail'... and that concludes our three-week intensive course on monorails.
Child Welfare Representative: Stupid babies need the most attention.
Navy Sea Captain: I'm a man of few words...any questions?
BlackBeard the Pirate: Arrrgh, This chair be high, says I.
Maud Flanders: Yes Neddy, I know, no foot longs, they only make you jealous.
Sunday School Teacher: Ralph, Jesus did not have wheels!
Ralph's Imaginary Leprechaun: Aw, you've done grand, laddie! Now you know what you have to do? Burn the house down. Burn 'em all!
NASA Executive Jack Stillwater: Gentlemen, you've both worked very hard, and in a way, you're both winners. But in another more accurate way, Barney's the winner.
Horst: We regret to announce the following layoffs, which I will read in alphabetical order. Simpson, Homer. This is all.
Announcer at Itchy & Scatchy Land: Attention, Marge Simpson. Your son has been arrested... Attention Marge Simpson, we've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son.
Manager at Krusty Burger: We need some more secret sauce. Put the mayonnaise in the sun.